6 Month Anniversary February 10, 2012

I was watching Good Morning America this morning and they had three guys on there proposing to their girlfriends on live tv! Watching things like that use to make break down in pitiful puddles of despair. This morning it sparked a smile. I was genuinely happy for them and then a very happy memory came to mind.

For our first Christmas together, just four months after our first date, Steven made a bold proclamation and promise to me. Christmas Day night, after family breakfasts & dinners, unwrapping presents, mounds of desserts and tons of laughter, he became serious in his candlelit room. He pulled me close and looked me with teary eyes saying, “Brooke, when I was a little boy I prayed to God to bring me a wife when I became a man. The woman I prayed for is you. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life. You’re my best friend. You saved my life. I don’t know what would have happened to me if you hadn’t come into my life. I want you to be my wife. You’re the woman I’ve been waiting for.” I remember that moment like it was yesterday. The butterflies, the never ending smiles, the tears. Everything seemed to move in slow motion. However, there was no ring. There also wasn’t an official asking… It was more of a declaration, a promise.

For the next three years I hung onto that promise along with all the other hints he dropped and bones he dangled. With every major decision we made;having our son, stopping my career to be a stay at home mom, moving to Texas; I reminded myself of that night. I allowed people to give us titles we didn’t have yet. I took giant leaps of faith because I believed in us, I believed in him and kept him at his word. I even spent last holiday season going with him to jewelry stores, picking out my three favorite rings and giving him the suggestions. We made wedding plans, going so far as picking locations, saving money, making plans to have his father perform the ceremony. I was his wife to our son’s teacher, his fiancé to his boss, his domestic partner on facebook, his girlfriend to his friends and his son’s mother to women he flirted with. We were living in a world of confusion, empty promises, miscommunication and blind faith. I lived in a world where we were working and building toward greatness & ever lasting love. I’m still not sure what world he was living in. And just as quickly as he fell in love with me and asked me to be apart of his life forever, he fell out of love with me and asked me to leave his life. As shocked as I was with that pseudo marriage proposal, I was even more shocked that it was over. In a flash, without a thought or blink, the woman he prayed for became replaced by a women he lusted after.

The embarrassment was overwhelming! I had spent years claiming this amazing relationship where I had found my best friend, lover and soul mate all in one person. I gave him titles and apart of me based on a single promise to make a promise to make a vow to love me forever. The boy didn’t have to work for a single thing! After that Christmas Night he had it all! Loyalty, dedication, fidelity, faith, love, trust, and raw honesty without hesitation. And it was all over. I was a black woman under thirty who had never been married and was now a single mother with no job. I was a statistic.

Now I’m not going to sit here and say that he didn’t mean it at the time or didn’t mean up until he asked me to leave. I don’t know. And really it doesn’t matter. I loved every minute of us. If I had changed one thing I wouldnt have my son. I wouldn’t have had the experience of moving to Texas. I wouldn’t have had all the great moments of fun we shared. I mean looking back what we shared was incredibly special and beautiful and nothing can take that away. I remember hugging him in the airport that day, everyone crying, taking one last look at him with my baby in my arms and then heading down the breezeway feeling like a failure, my life was over and wishing it was 6 months from now. Because I just knew in 6 months, it would maybe hurt occasionally, but it wouldn’t be devastating.

It’s now been 6 months. And you know what, it isn’t devastating. It stings occasionally, but it doesn’t hurt. There is a point you get to when you can talk about that person or things you shared without getting angry or sad. Sometimes it comes in 6 months, sometimes it takes years. Well I had a child and my youth, I didn’t have time to waste having a pity party or being bitter. That’s when you block your blessings, and I have been so blessed. Too blessed to be sour over spilled milk. Sure there are days I look at videos and pictures and remember how happy we were, how much fun we had and how much love we shared as a family and couple and sometimes it stings to think that’s over. But for the most part I feel so grateful that I had that! Some people don’t ever get to experience that kind of happiness.

It wasn’t easy! It took a lot of prayer. A LOT OF PRAYER! But I was determined to not allow this to swallow me up. Part of it was I felt that he didn’t deserve to continue to have me, and wallowing in pity was still giving him control over our relationship. I had to get over the embarrassment. I had to realize that I wasn’t the first woman to have a baby with a man before getting married. I had to stop blaming myself or allowing him to blame me. I had to remember the goodness in our relationship. I had to own my real part in the demise of our relationship and work on it . I also felt that I deserved love and commitment, but I can’t get that if I longed for something that wasn’t for me anymore. I had to be honest with myself about our relationship. I had to be honest with myself about what our relationship was and what it is now. How I felt about him then and how I felt now. I had to stop waiting for a apology or for words I knew would never come. I had to stop looking for the potential and start looking at things & people for what they really are. Most of all I had to put me and my son first and give us a fresh start!

So here I am six months later. I’m alive, breathing and I’m good. I’m dating. I’m a size 2. Career is back up and running. Tears have been replaced by laughter. My son is adjusting. I’m good. Am I completely recovered? No. Who can recover from a 3 year relationship in 6 months? Am I happy? Yes. Am I scared? Yes. But fear has lit a fire under me to change the things I needed to change and has brought optimism. Sounds weird. It feels weird, but it’s true. I’m no longer looking back. I’m just waiting for whatever surprise is suppose to drop in my lap now! I believe I will find that kind of love again…and this time it will be ever lasting. The next declaration will end with a question and the answer will end with a vow and the vow will end when the last breath is taken.

Bringing Somethin’ Soulful to V-Day February 8, 2012

My two out of the three of my younger brothers make up R&B group, Jake&Papa. On Tuesday February 14th they are dropping their second mixtape as the dynamic duo entitled, Somethin’ Soulful. I know a lot of their fans have been captivated by the singles, Kiss Em Off & My Baby from the new mixtape title, but there more amazing songs on it! I know, because I’ve heard them! LOL! Now a lot of people always tell me, well of course you like it, you’re their big sister. Yes I am their big sister, but I’m also a product and employee of the entertainment industry. There are a lot of artists I know and love dearly that do a lot of projects I support and sometimes don’t. Just because not all of their projects are great… but when they do have great ones that they are proud of and I enjoy, I put my personal stamp on it! Well, I’m putting my personal stamp on this one! Jake&Papa’s Somethin’ Soulful is just great R&B music, period! I would encourage you to see for yourself, you never know you make like one or two numbers!

Now when the album drops, the boys will also be performing some songs off the mixtape as well as some special hits that inspire them and we all love. If you’re in LA on Valentine’s Day, still looking for something to do with your boo thang or alone, come on by The Mint and catch the show!

The Somethin’ Soulful Experience: A Night w/ Jake&Papa and Friends

Valentines Day 2012

doors open at 10:30pm. show starts 11pm

$8 presale. $10 at the door

610 W Pico Blvd. Los Angeles, Ca 90035

Pre-sale tickets —-> http://t.co/xiDGBqRX

JumpStart January 31, 2012

A fire has been ignited with ashes for coals

in an empty hole for a fireplace with a passion that was believed to be dead

buried by betrayal and ugly words you found me beautiful

Your smile melted the ice entrapping

my weary soul

My eyes glisten today

My stomach flutters with the light of a message flickering on my screen

You found the path to me

Nothing for sure

just reassurance that I am in fact a woman

that I am alive

that I breathe passion and love still though another could not see it

The heat coming from your words have broken my chains of

guilt and confusion

I am free to smile

I am free to feel

I am free to dress, text and scream

You found the woman in me

You found her to be beautiful and sexy

You found her heart and her smile

and brought her back to life

You’ve jumpstarted the passion in me

I have not a clue if you will stay to watch me bloom in the spring

but I don’t mind

You’re here now with your words and your smile

You found the woman in me and jumpstarted her heart

She thanks you for guiding her back home

ReLearning Love January 28, 2012

My pal Billy Shakespeare wrote, “The Course of True Love Never Did Run Smooth.” Never were there truer words written, Billy my boy! That road is bumpy and windy, filled with open roads where you feel free and bumper to bumper traffic where you’re ready to jump off the side of the freeway! Why and how? I mean love is such a wonderful beautiful thing to share. And when it’s going great, you feel so powerful and gorgeous. However, when that goes bad… it feels like someone has stolen a part of your soul and did the dougie all over it.

The first few months are so incredibly blissful and blinding and mystifying. So what happens? The person who seemed so perfect and angelic begins to burp and fart, cry and whine and pimple will emerge somewhere at some point. And suddenly you find yourself standing at a fork in the road. You can go skipping back into the land of Singledom or you can cover your eyes and feel your way down the path of love. Suddenly the work begins. The talking and the passion. More talking and understanding. Then a little planning and more talking. I bet people who have been married for 40 years realize that they’ve spent most of their lifetime talking! I never talked so much in my whole life than I did when I was with my ex. Whether we were talking about bills, or the baby, or each other, or what we just laughed about on tv, we were constantly TALKING! But you have to wonder, looking back on the fact that we are no longer together, were we talking and listening? Or were we just talking?

What is happening nowadays with relationships and commitment? It seems like a lot of people are talking, but they aren’t really listening. Either they’re not listening or they aren’t talking to each other about things that matter. The emotion of love will not do the diligent work of maintaining an open communicative understanding of your partner’s needs. At some point you have to help love last. Love will always exist, but staying in love, is totally different. Finding a new way to love your partner, to motivate your partner and inspire them takes work and creativity. Finding one thing to fall in love with and stay in love with that, will never work. People grow and evolve and with their growth, your love should evolve as well. Each day I found a new reason and different way to love my ex. He had grown and change so much since we first met, but that to me was the beauty about being with him. I watched his growth. And there were some changes that bothered me or weren’t exactly attractive, but those things made him who he was and the beauty outweighed the ugly. I’m not saying it’s easy. But to stay focused on the initial reason you fell in love with someone is only handicapping your emotions. That person they were when they met you has grown into someone who you can love and hold dear for however long you decide to share love.

Perhaps that is what is wrong with people now and why it seems like people are falling out of relationships & breaking up families like it’s the thing to do. Everyone is so focused on one thing. People actually make the decision to marry someone based on a single attribute that person has at that moment and HOPE it will grow and it will continue to always be that. It’s weird that in a world where technology and education is advancing at an alarming rate, people are deathly afraid of change! We make these life changing decisions that affect many people around us without much thought or respect. Then we jump out just as quickly as we jumped in. We hastily make decisions & pass judgements. We live separate lives under the same roof. We talk talk talk, but don’t seem to be talking truths and listening to truths. We hide from ourselves to make things a certain way and then act surprised when they fall apart.

So what do we do? Well I know what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna listen. Not just to words, but action. We say we want lasting love, but do we really wanna do the work to make it last. Not last in bliss, but true love. Where you love through the darkness and fog of uncertainty. Where you love through the fire, rain and sunshine. You can’t count true happiness by the first few months… it’s after years of really truly loving. I’m re-learning what it is to really love someone and help them love you back. To create something together. Not saying that you can use this method on anyone and love will last. I’m just saying if you have all the makings of a lasting love, do the work. That’s the best way to love that person! It’s meant to be if you really want it. There will be times, maybe many times when you will have the makings and it just doesn’t work out. Don’t dwell! Move on and figure it out. Keep positive and don’t block your blessings! And when a blessing falls in your lap, do your best.

Keeping my eyes open, arms extended and heart unleashed!

Official Unofficial Crush January 19, 2012

Make sense? Why would anything that has to do with feelings or love or any of that stuff make any freakin’ sense? It just doesn’t make sense! Period! No! Nope! No sense! A while back I was shoved back into the dating scene without a say on whether or not I wanted to be back in. Armed with a suitcase of child, stretch marks, a broken heart, post breast-feeding breasts, shorter hair and no guidebook on dating in the world of twitter, FourSquare & Facebook! The only thing I had going for me was my size 2 designer denim pants & the driver’s license that let the world know I had hit 30 yet. I was back in my city and didn’t even know how to keep the gaze of a man! I stumbled and fumbled my way through conversations and drinks with men while toy cellphones and pacifiers stumbled out of my purse on to the bar table scarring them sterile! Meanwhile my email, Facebook, twitter & cell phone are blowing up with messages from past hopefuls smelling the single on me and hoping to jump in and solidify their spot in my heart again or maybe for the first time! But after much thought, I realized that the girl they were chasing was the girl pre-steven/pre-jaxon/pre-awakening Brooke. That Brooke wasn’t even sure if a marriage was possible! That Brooke NEVER thought she could ever be a housewife or stay-at-home mom! That Brooke didn’t think she could pay attention to the same man for more than a month without getting bored! That Brooke loved herself and no one else!

So I had to think real hard. Who was I, now? I mean, I know who I am as a person and what I am as far as being a mom and what direction I was going. But who was I as a woman? What was I looking for? Did I want the complete opposite of Steven? Did I want the same exact person as Steven? What did I even find an attractive anymore?! Ugh! I was in a very confusing place! I know I was tired of dating in Hollywood. But at the same time I felt like finding love outside of Hollywood led me to Steven which ended up not working out! To most people outside of Hollywood, what we do is either not “normal” work or work at all! And actually that was one of the last things he said to me on the subject of our relationship, that I was too caught up in missing LA and wouldn’t just get a normal job! I’d consider working 12-14 hours standing on my feet, creating, pushing paper, and collecting a check a normal job…but you know, what do I know, right?! So dating out of Hollywood was out of the question…right? Maybe not! My best friend and big sister is an actress who fell in love with a man who is so far removed the entertainment business it’s hilarious, and somehow they make it work. They make it work very well! So it gave me some hope. It also gave me some courage to do just what she did, join match.com!

Yea, yea, laugh if you want to! But you know what I’ve met some great potential guys that I have enjoyed speaking with and meeting! It’s actually taken my circle and opened it up to so many other possibilities. Have I found love?! Not yet! However I have found a cutie pie, sweet guy that I’m just absolutely crushing over. You know that blushing, tickle tummy, broad smile feeling you get when someone calls or texts, yea that! Nothing serious or even frivolous, just nice. It’s nice to chat with someone about kids, life and politics. It’s nice to be crushed on and adored through sentiments & action. I’m taking it day by day and enjoy whatever it brings with no expectations. The one thing I find people do is begin to compare their current situation to their previous situation and try to fix this relationship before it even begins. Or they take time to “focus on themselves” but their just guarding themselves from love. One thing I won’t do is block the blessings coming my way. Who knows what could happen! He could crush my heart worse than Steven. He could be the greatest love I’ll ever know. It may not go anywhere at all! But I’m not going to create the ending before it even begins.

I mean I don’t know what the hell I’m doing! But who really does! The last time I let go and let God I ended up in a relationship for three years where I created a beautiful family and gave a kind of love I didn’t even know I had in me. Yes it ended, but it wasn’t a failure because we built something and created something great. It was meant to be so that Jaxon could be born and be the great the little person he is! And that was all God! So I figure he did such a great job last time, I’ll let him take the wheel this time again! I mean, after all, He is GOD! I think he might know what he’s doing!

The Courage To Live January 18, 2012

I woke up this morning to some sad news, my friend Rikkii’s father lost his battle with cancer this morning. I never got to meet Tony, I just knew of him through Rikkii. Since I’ve known her, her father has been in N-stage, but he wasn’t waiting to die. Everything I heard about him sounded like he was continuing to live!

The strength of Rikkii’s parents and her family to fight Tony’s cancer even when his doctors and everyone else gave up on him, was nothing short of inspirational! He proved that the ability to fight to live, even if it’s for another hour is very possible. They gave him four months almost two years ago, and he decided he just wasn’t ready to go. I am amazed and inspired by the four of them. It always seem like you can never find the right words to say to a family during a time like this because the pain is great. I just ask that you join me in praying for their family. Because no matter how much you feel you prepare yourself for someone’s death, it’s still extremely hard when it finally comes to pass. All my love!

Take a little time to hug your children, loved ones and friends today! Really everyday! Everyday you should try a little harder to have more love & peace in your life! We only get one shot at life, it’s a beautiful thing to share, so continue to live! Take nothing for granted! Enjoy your time on this earth!

 

xoox

Red Tails January 18, 2012

I’ve been hearing so many mixed feelings from people about going to the LucasFilm Red Tails, coming out on Friday. And I’m confused as to why people are not trying to support this film. Why people believe that supporting this film is only supporting George Lucas is beyond me. We as a black community have allowed others to come in and tear apart at the seams of brotherhood we once had by dividing us up into skin tone, class, education and circumstance. We have become defensive and uneducated when it comes to our history, our future and support. So many people think that a white man can’t tell a black man’s story. George Lucas is telling the story of heroes, of American heroes. What he saw in the story was that of American Elite Military Airmen. He didn’t see black. He didn’t see disadvantaged. He saw what they were, some of the best group of military men fighting in WWII. This is how we should see them, because this is how the Tuskegee Airmen see themselves!

Put aside who made the film. Put aside who wouldn’t make the film. Put aside your personal feelings about Lucas or the major studio & distribution companies. You, I , We should all know this story! We should know more than black men weren’t allowed to fight in many US wars so there were only a select few in history that made an impact. We should know more than this was the push into the civil rights movement that we needed! We should know how they won their battles, just how amazing they were at their jobs and who these men were! We should know them because their fight, their passions, their education is apart of us. Yes, their courage to stand up and be the best helped pave an easier road to be able to choose where we live, work, and who we love. But beyond that, their courage should be an inspiration to us to be better than we ever thought we could be. Their fight should be ignite a spark in us to fight for whatever it is we believe in, to fulfill our dreams in passions. In a day and age where children are fighting for a light and hope in a social media vacuum of darkness and lowliness, a story about a group of men finding the courage to fight for a country where most people didn’t believe that had souls, can bring them hope to fight another day! These men were Americans, before they were Airmen and they were children of God before they were black! Their story deserves to be told!

I’m going on Friday January 20th to see Red Tails. I will take my 2 year old son! In 10 years I will sit him down with the Blu-Ray disc and we will watch it again. After he is done, I will tell him that he once saw it with me on opening day in the theatre and was apart of history. Then I will send him upstairs to google The Tuskegee Airmen, The Tuskegee Experiment and The Tuskegee Air Academy and write me a paper on what he learned from them about being an American, about being black then and now, about what inspired him, and what it means to be a human being. These are stories he has to know! Not just to grow up and be a successful BLACK man, but stories he has to know to be a successful man! I hope that you too will join me on January 20th and take your children. Not just to support Lucas or Neyo or stick it to the man. I hope that you go so you can share another American story of courage, inspiration and history with your child! We always talk about The American Dream, wondering where it is or where it went. It’s here! Seek it out and share it!

Nu Year, Nu Life, Nu Thought Process January 13, 2012

I’ve spent the last few months trying to figure out how to bring in the new year with a new mind-set to go with the new path I have created and the goals I have set. I’ve spent so much time trying to find ways to not be angry about my current situation, that I haven’t really found a way to not be angry about my current situation until I finally realized that I had no reason to be angry anymore because there was nothing I could do about it but change it! If I really wanted it to change, I could change it and so I have.

I’ve spent my time digesting, working through and understanding my grief about the break up of my relationship. I spent so much time saying that I was mourning the break up of my family, and not realizing that no matter how far away I get from my ex romantically, he and I will always have the blessing of being apart of a family through this amazing little person we are raising. And that’s when the light came through and it damn near knocked me off my feet making me feel stupid. I’ve been spending all these months focusing on the horrible, that I forgot my blessings. So I decided that everyday I would take 10 minutes in the morning and at night to count my blessings! I don’t mean those typical, I have my health & I’m alive blessings that we just tend to say to make us feel not so shitty. I physically take a moment to breathe and write down all that you are blessed with.

1. My son is reading, I had a hand in that.

2. Both of my parents are alive, and I have a great relationship with one of them

3. The rent was paid and I was able to fill the car with a full tank of gas

4. I had some really amazing meetings full of opportunity this week

5. My hair has grown faster than its grown in years

6. I got to sleep in later this morning

7. I got a sweet text from a boy I like

8. I had three years of love and companionship

9. I’m back in my home time

10. I was able to take a nap today undisturbed

 

Okay so these are just examples and some of them may seem silly, but when you sit back and write everything out and then read them over out loud, it’s truly hard to find something to complain about. It’s almost like you realize that when it comes down to it, I mean really comes down to it, there is nothing that you can’t work through or make it a better situation with a little work and belief. I mean bullshit happens and it happens to everyone, but when you surround yourself with you, you won’t be able to really climb out of it. All the negative things that have been thrown my way this week seems to roll off my back because I realize, it just isn’t that serious and no one can really steal my joy. How can they do that when I am so blessed and I have a list to prove it! Try a different perspective. I’m just saying… you never know, it may help! Just believe! See where it gets you!

Urban Elegance. Regal Streetwear. That is CodyHarr. January 10, 2012

I stand here as a proud big sister of LA’s newest underground clothing designer. My younger brother Cheyenne Harrell (who is also an amazing singer and apart of the R&B group Jake&Papa with my other little brother) has launched his new clothing line, CodyHarr. The line is for both women and men with a few select items for each season. I have my own CodyHarr limited edition women’s logo v-neck. Of course he has other great t-shirts & sweaters and even some very limited special edition hand-made silk shirts for men (SUPER BOMB), but my favorite is my v-neck! I LOVE the way it feels. It’s also super comfortable! I’ve worn it with jeans or under blazers with leggings & boots! My sister rocks her off the shoulder CodyHarr. sweater when she goes out!

Just check it out and see what you think. What he has now is a taste… I’ve seen the preview for his Spring line, y’all are gonna wanna stay tuned!!!

Again…with the Casey Anthony January 6, 2012

CASEY FREAKIN’ ANTHONY!! Lord! Lord! Lord! Will this child EVER go away?!

Here’s the deal, she either killed that baby and tried to cover it up! OR that baby had an accident and she tried to cover it up. Either way completely disgusted by her. Whatever the case is, she’s clearly a sociopath! Anyone who can party after such a horrific event is clearly disconnected from their feelings and there is NO room for sympathy. She’s clearly leaking these videos and photos, worried about weaving back into the real world looking for redemption and sympathy.
Seriously? Really?? As a mother, as a woman and as a human being I am completely disgusted and scared of this woman! Wouldn’t even want her looking at my child! She needs help! I don’t understand why those who are “helping” her are not really helping her. Her redemption is not gonna come from the imperfect humans of the nation but from the higher power she believes in, from the spirit of her child that will haunt.
Not to say that most of y’all are sociopaths, but u believe she can be used as an example for those who are always living for what others think of us! Yes this is an extreme case, but think about it. After everything she has been through, all the death threats she is surely receiving every hour, she leaked images of herself, exposing herself and endangering her life to gain acceptance from people that she HAS to know she will never win over. But being liked Ben though she has done wrong is more important than being truly remorseful or her safety. So many people are constantly doing things that jeopardize themselves to please or gain acceptance from others before trying to really get right from within!!

So I think it’s safe to say we can actually learn a lesson from Casey Anthony. The lesson is, look within and find peace there. Real peace, accept responsibility for your actions before you ask for forgiveness from others. Otherwise you’ll be living in false realities for the rest of your life.

And on another note….I really really really want this woman to go away! She should be underneath a jail! There are stable, loving, nurturing people out there being picked apart and going bankrupt to become parents, but anybody can get knocked up and be forced to care for another life! There is nothing wrong with giving your baby up to another family that will love that baby with all the love, respect and nurturing they deserve! It’s wrong if you keep that child, neglect, abuse or parade that child around like a trophy! There is no prize waiting for you just because you kept a child! Do the responsible and loving thing and give that child up for adoption. That child’s true family is waiting for them, I promise!