Make sense? Why would anything that has to do with feelings or love or any of that stuff make any freakin’ sense? It just doesn’t make sense! Period! No! Nope! No sense! A while back I was shoved back into the dating scene without a say on whether or not I wanted to be back in. Armed with a suitcase of child, stretch marks, a broken heart, post breast-feeding breasts, shorter hair and no guidebook on dating in the world of twitter, FourSquare & Facebook! The only thing I had going for me was my size 2 designer denim pants & the driver’s license that let the world know I had hit 30 yet. I was back in my city and didn’t even know how to keep the gaze of a man! I stumbled and fumbled my way through conversations and drinks with men while toy cellphones and pacifiers stumbled out of my purse on to the bar table scarring them sterile! Meanwhile my email, Facebook, twitter & cell phone are blowing up with messages from past hopefuls smelling the single on me and hoping to jump in and solidify their spot in my heart again or maybe for the first time! But after much thought, I realized that the girl they were chasing was the girl pre-steven/pre-jaxon/pre-awakening Brooke. That Brooke wasn’t even sure if a marriage was possible! That Brooke NEVER thought she could ever be a housewife or stay-at-home mom! That Brooke didn’t think she could pay attention to the same man for more than a month without getting bored! That Brooke loved herself and no one else!
So I had to think real hard. Who was I, now? I mean, I know who I am as a person and what I am as far as being a mom and what direction I was going. But who was I as a woman? What was I looking for? Did I want the complete opposite of Steven? Did I want the same exact person as Steven? What did I even find an attractive anymore?! Ugh! I was in a very confusing place! I know I was tired of dating in Hollywood. But at the same time I felt like finding love outside of Hollywood led me to Steven which ended up not working out! To most people outside of Hollywood, what we do is either not “normal” work or work at all! And actually that was one of the last things he said to me on the subject of our relationship, that I was too caught up in missing LA and wouldn’t just get a normal job! I’d consider working 12-14 hours standing on my feet, creating, pushing paper, and collecting a check a normal job…but you know, what do I know, right?! So dating out of Hollywood was out of the question…right? Maybe not! My best friend and big sister is an actress who fell in love with a man who is so far removed the entertainment business it’s hilarious, and somehow they make it work. They make it work very well! So it gave me some hope. It also gave me some courage to do just what she did, join match.com!
Yea, yea, laugh if you want to! But you know what I’ve met some great potential guys that I have enjoyed speaking with and meeting! It’s actually taken my circle and opened it up to so many other possibilities. Have I found love?! Not yet! However I have found a cutie pie, sweet guy that I’m just absolutely crushing over. You know that blushing, tickle tummy, broad smile feeling you get when someone calls or texts, yea that! Nothing serious or even frivolous, just nice. It’s nice to chat with someone about kids, life and politics. It’s nice to be crushed on and adored through sentiments & action. I’m taking it day by day and enjoy whatever it brings with no expectations. The one thing I find people do is begin to compare their current situation to their previous situation and try to fix this relationship before it even begins. Or they take time to “focus on themselves” but their just guarding themselves from love. One thing I won’t do is block the blessings coming my way. Who knows what could happen! He could crush my heart worse than Steven. He could be the greatest love I’ll ever know. It may not go anywhere at all! But I’m not going to create the ending before it even begins.
I mean I don’t know what the hell I’m doing! But who really does! The last time I let go and let God I ended up in a relationship for three years where I created a beautiful family and gave a kind of love I didn’t even know I had in me. Yes it ended, but it wasn’t a failure because we built something and created something great. It was meant to be so that Jaxon could be born and be the great the little person he is! And that was all God! So I figure he did such a great job last time, I’ll let him take the wheel this time again! I mean, after all, He is GOD! I think he might know what he’s doing!
