29 Years of Love September 1, 2012

He held me as I gave a toothless scream in the night air

Then the seasons changed and he left with the winter breeze in search of himself, not looking back.

He was my first kiss

Babes playing in the summer sun running free on not too sturdy legs, searching for adventure

He was my first date

Dancing with me through the ballroom on air in dark red raw silk the envy of a few

He was the first to say, I Love You

I broke his heart without a thought plagued by teenage confusion& hormones I could not see love through his innocent eyes or in the taste of those freshly baked heart-shaped cookies

He led me to believe that I was his everything

While he showed me off like a gold glittering trophy to envious men across the country, I slept in a fog of immaturity and unconditional love not seeing who I was to him

He was my friend

With a love that I mistook for a lovers passion but since found comfort in his friendship and trust. A love not plagued by romance, but true and steady, never wavering.

He showed me romance and passion

Standing on an abandoned street downtown while the wind ripped through the buildings creating small tornadoes of paper and dirt, are eyes never wavered from one another. Intimacy without ever touching.

He said my mind made me beautiful and my passion made him kiss me

But we could never find a way to stay as we were separated by his inability to look beyond the need for perfection and see that he had it all along.

He said I saved him and he would never love another like he loved me

But when I needed him the most he lost faith and abandoned his post.

He said Mommy

And I knew for the first time in my life what love truly meant

He said I was the one that got away

But the phone stopped ringing

He said I was his Scully, The Thinking Man’s Playmate

But he couldn’t wait for my heart to heal and chose the path to a ready-made love though his soul told him to stay.

Connected to each soul in a different way for a lifetime. It was good. It was love. But only one is everlasting. That which is the love created in me from HE who created me. The others are twenty-nine years of lessons. And so I wait. There is a he. A lighthouse searching me out in this storm of  and sea of sharks and krill. To be beautiful for a life time and not a season. We are born. Falling in love with those that created us and in search of our own life mates. We take on their faults, allowing them to be excuses for falling for what we believe lifetime love masked in seasonal romance. Making mistakes and punishing ourselves by blocking our blessings with excuses and blame. I continue my search with an open heart, smiling eyes and a laugh tripping off my lips. Grateful for Him and He and the lessons they brought. I now look for him, he is looking for me.

He will come

Or perhaps he is already here. Who is to say? But He will find me so that we may sit on the porch on warm summer nights as my gray hair blows in the wind, watching the leaves change. And we will just be.

 

Mommy’s letter to you, Son October 22, 2011

My sweet sweet Jaxon Lee Coltrane,

Happy 2nd Birthday! It has been the most amazing 2 years of my life! No really, you have no idea. Like Um-ma told me when I was younger, I would never understand how much she loves me until I had my own lil’ boo. Well now I have my own lil’ boo and I get it. I so get it! You are every heartbeat, every breath, every ray of sunshine, every ounce of my joy.

On this day, beginning of the second year of your life, you and I will now begin a whole new life together, just you and me. Kinda like Batman and Robin, except we don’t have the super cool capes and Morgan Freeman isn’t going to make us a car to drive over trucks in. But you and I will most certainly take this life by the bull horns together… oh and with Satchmo… and your blanket…but the muslin fishy one, not the green one with the lion, because the fishy one can fit in my bag easily and it’s good for all seasons. But I digress. My sweet angel, you should know that mommy will always try her best at this thing they call parenting. However you should probably know that most of the time, I won’t get it right. And that’s okay because you will try your best at this thing they call being a kid and you won’t always get it right either. So let’s just go easy on each other when the other messes up. You see no matter how much of an embarassing, self righteous, nagging, old, repetitive, non-understanding, over reacting mother I become… I am still your mother. Yes yours. Your spirit and God chose me to be YOUR mother. So next to your father I am the only person in the world that loves you more than it is physically possible to love another human being. Basically kid, I baked you in my belly for 10 months and allowed you to make a gaping hole in my belly for you to emerge into the world from after 3 weeks, 1 day and 16 hours of labor and 60 lbs of weight gain… I’d say you owe me!

Okay all jokes aside, you are an amazing human being. Yes, people say that about their kids all the time, but that’s just because we see in you what you don’t see yet. Mommies and Daddies really do know it all. And in you, my son, I see greatness. Beyond what I could have even imagined for myself. You see now your world is just counting up to 20, Yo Gabba Gabba songs, a talking pig named Olivia, 5 variations of the alphabet song and cuddling next to your Um-Ma at night with cookies. But I see what you will be later, I saw it the very first time I looked into those gray eyes at 8:05 pm October 21st, 2009. You looked up at me and I saw the greatness in you. And now when you look at me with that same twinkle I get excited about what is to come. How you will make your mark on this world.

Son, hear me when I say that I don’t want you to be My son, be YOU. Don’t be an American, be a human. Don’t be a democrat, just be aware. Don’t be straight, just be happy. Don’t be an athlete, have fun. Don’t be a christian, be the love you see. Just be, son! Enjoy your life the way YOU want to live it! Be who you are meant to be. There is so much love, potential, brilliance and truth in you, don’t waste it trying to be something you think I expect you to be. What I expect you to be is just you. I will love you everyday more than I did the day before, that will never change. I don’t think I knew what true love was until that very moment I heard you cry your first cry as you took your first breath! You are apart of me. I felt you move in my belly before you had toes. I know you better than you know yourself. And I will ALWAYS be here for you. If ever there is a time when you think I am too far away, just close your eyes and take a deep breath, my voice will be there singing lullabies until your soul is calm.

Happy Birthday Jax! Mommy loves you. Yes I do! A bushel and a peck! A bushel and a peck! A bushel and a peck! And a hug around the neck! *muah*

xoxoox

Mommy